actually, I'm a sock model
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
