Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
