we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
