that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
