You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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