How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
