She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
