I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize