I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
