I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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