John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
