I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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