Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
