my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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