Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
