Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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