This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
