Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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