Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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