Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
