i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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