The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
