Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
