I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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