all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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