I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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