my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
