I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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