woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
