Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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