My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize