When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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