i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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