I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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