trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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