I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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