dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
