she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
