What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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