Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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