either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I touched a dick in church today
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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