Your face is a jimmy john
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
