Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
