I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
