Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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