R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
