Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Randomize
