Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
