Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
