If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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