im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
