Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
