seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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