i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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