I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize