So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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