I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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