we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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